✂ THEME

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS, and you're not sure why you're back here again.

and i know i could be more clever
and i know i could be more strong
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July/24/13
16 notes

py-rope:

Terezi’s eyes automatically slid shut at the hand on her cheek, breathing more steadily at the support it offered. In turn, she rested her hand on Karkat’s arm, reluctant for him to move away. Karkat’s arguments made sense, although it wasn’t really an argument—reassurances, she corrected. They were older now, and had probably already made every mistake in the book—wasn’t it easier that they’d already got that other and done with? They were talking now too, as if they finally had more to grasp to than a fleeting moment of maturity. They’d spoken a lot before the Gamzee incident too, and Terezi couldn’t think of a problem or issue that she hadn’t addressed with Karkat. Maybe most importantly—based on their previous relationship—Karkat had been honest with her too, talking about his own issues and hang-ups. 

Even if Terezi was sure that some of Karkat’s speech was deep-rooted in unrealistic expectations from movies and books, there was some truth to it. They’d both never truly gotten over each other, and nine times out of ten she could be found in Karkat’s company. He was right on even more accounts—since when had she been afraid? She wasn’t on the meteor anymore, and even if she was, Karkat had wanted to help back then. Sighing softly into Karkat’s hand, Terezi berated herself once more, they really could have been happy a long time ago. But crying wasn’t going to solve anything, especially when the problems had already been solved. 

Finalizing her resolve, Terezi brought her hand up to curl around the one on her face, briefly enjoying the warmth of it before she finally smiled again. “Yeah,” she nodded, remembering to open her eyes again. “Let’s try,” Terezi smiled wider, letting her hands fall from their positions and instead moving them to Karkat’s face. She leaned her forehead back against his and breathed in the familiar pavement cherry smell, almost all-but forgotten with how distant they’d been with fighting. It was easy to pull back a little, tilting her head just enough to softly kiss Karkat—testing the waters, as it were. “Missed that,” she breathed, smile quirking back to it’s usual grin.

Karkat couldn’t tell how long Terezi had spent presumably thinking over what he had said, but it felt like a lifetime to him. He kept his eyes on her face, watching carefully for changes in emotion, any sign that she wanted to be with him, or any sign that she didn’t. He was sure it had only been a minute or so, but it truly felt like an eternity waiting for an answer from her. He supposed… he had given her a lot to think about, and he’d been thinking about it for a few days himself, while Terezi had probably been cementing the fact that Karkat didn’t want anything to do with her into her head. He’d make sure she never thought like that again, if she just said yes—even if she didn’t. If all they could be was friends, he would accept that. Whatever Terezi said, he would accept.

When her eyes opened, Karkat felt himself tense with nervousness—it was easy to say he would accept whatever she said, but rejection was still scary; he wanted to be with her more than anything, and the idea of not being able to wasn’t something he wanted to think about if he didn’t have to. But then she was smiling, and he was smiling too when she said yes, and her forehead touched to his and he nuzzled against it happily, relief coursing through him. He froze up when she moved in to kiss him, and his chest felt tight and he couldn’t make his lips move, but he could feel hers. She pulled back again before he managed to figure out why he no longer had control of his lip muscles, exhaling loudly when she said she missed it and trying to ignore how simple words made his stomach flip, and how good it felt to see a proper smile back on her face. “Me too,” he finally managed, leaning towards her cautiously and pressing his lips to hers again—and once he was there, this time, he didn’t freeze up, letting his lips slide against hers—it was easy all of a sudden, like what he’d been meant to be doing all along.

He pulled back after a moment, letting his eyes fall shut and his forehead rest against hers again—her breath was hot on his face, but he didn’t mind it, feeling a faint smile tug at his lips. “I love you, Terezi,” he whispered, opening his eyes to check her reaction. “We won’t mess up this time, I know it. You mean more to me than… than anything, and you feel the same, right? Last time we got all fucked up with jealousy, and me being an asshole, and ugh, stupid, childish shit. I think we’ve made every mistake in the book already. We’ll be fine this time,” he leaned in, kissing her forehead before pressing a quick peck to her lips as well. “I love you too much to risk losing you again—fuck, I’m so glad you love me, Terezi.” His hands found hers, and he gave them a squeeze before resting their foreheads together again; he knew he meant what he said, and he knew Terezi did as well. They knew how much they both meant to each other, and they weren’t going to make the same mistakes twice. This time, everything would work out fine.

July/22/13
16 notes

py-rope:

Terezi found her anger slipping away as quickly as it had come over her, leaving her an even bigger fool—who was considerably exhausted. She barely had the energy for most things recently, let alone heart to hearts with the troll who meant the most to her. What was worse, was how relieved she was that she’d got things wrong—that she didn’t want Karkat to be with someone else, and it was dumb selfish thought that seemed to plague her life. And it was when Karkat spoke of her so highly that Terezi didn’t quite manage to stop the tears from falling, because in the middle of her self-loathing, it was always Karkat who was there—always Karkat who had never belonged at second best.

"But that’s the thing isn’t it… I… I mean we fight and argue and I hurt you and you hurt me so… Who says we won’t do it again? Only it would be worse and maybe it would be the last straw and we really wouldn’t be friends again afterwards. I don’t want that Karkat, I don’t… I don’t like not being your friend, I don’t like not being your best friend. Because no-one compares to you either. You’re determined and stubborn and stupidly soft, you care too much about everyone and you over-think everything. You’re cute, yet you’re strong too and you really are the leader that you strived to be,” Terezi smiled, unsure of the last time she’d said such things to Karkat. “But when I hurt you it was like… you were suddenly none of those things, at least not as far as I could see, because I was on the outside and I don’t like being on the outside of Karkat. I don’t want to mess things up and not be with you anymore. I love you Karkat, but I—what if we’re not supposed to be together?”

And the thought of that did scare Terezi, because it wasn’t as if they were young and could afford to mess things up. Surely next time would be make or break—and they were getting older: it couldn’t just be the same wreck of a relationship that it had before. They’d have to do things right, and what if they couldn’t? Even if she was trying not to cry, the inevitable decision left her doing so anyway, cornered by the honesty and fear of going back to how things had been the past few months. "I don’t know what to do. I’m miserable without you and I’m scared that if things don’t work out then maybe we’ll just make each other miserable when we’re together too… and then I’ll end up on the outside again."

"Terezi, Terezi, hey," Karkat moved as soon as he saw her tears fall, reaching to wipe them away—as he should have done, every other time he’d made her cry in the past couple of months, but at least this time he could finally do something about it. "Don’t—don’t cry," he murmured, unsure how exactly to help her. "Listen, you’ll never have to be on the outside again, okay?" Pausing, he scooted closer to her, touching his forehead to hers in an effort to comfort her before he moved back a bit. "Things won’t be how they were the first time; I’m not gonna fuck up again, and if I start to, then tell me, and I’ll fix it. We’re not stupid little kids anymore, right? We can… we can be mature and we can talk about things now…"

Karkat sighed, trying to gather his thoughts and give Terezi and semi-decent response—he owed her one, especially after the praise she’d given him. Such bullshit, really; you’d have to be in love with Karkat to think that about him, he supposed. “Do you really want to just… not try? If… If we’ve loved each other all this time, don’t you think we’re both always going to want to be more than friends? As often as I said I was over you, I still… noticed when you would flirt with other people, and I didn’t like it, I just kind of… learned to ignore that I didn’t like it. Maybe stuff with me didn’t bother you after Jade but… look, I just… I feel like we’re supposed to end up together. I think that if we have problems, we’ll be able to work through them. If we were supposed to move on, we would have by now, right? And I don’t think we should let… the fear of messing up stop us, because we could be happy, together, you know? I’m tired of letting fear stop me, and I’ve never known you to be afraid, Terezi,” he smiled, touching his forehead to hers again. “I think we can do it. Do you want to try?” Karkat pulled back again, sliding his thumb under her eyes to catch any more tears while he waited for her answer.

July/22/13
16 notes

py-rope:

Terezi found her anger slipping away as quickly as it had come over her, leaving her an even bigger fool—who was considerably exhausted. She barely had the energy for most things recently, let alone heart to hearts with the troll who meant the most to her. What was worse, was how relieved she was that she’d got things wrong—that she didn’t want Karkat to be with someone else, and it was dumb selfish thought that seemed to plague her life. And it was when Karkat spoke of her so highly that Terezi didn’t quite manage to stop the tears from falling, because in the middle of her self-loathing, it was always Karkat who was there—always Karkat who had never belonged at second best.

"But that’s the thing isn’t it… I… I mean we fight and argue and I hurt you and you hurt me so… Who says we won’t do it again? Only it would be worse and maybe it would be the last straw and we really wouldn’t be friends again afterwards. I don’t want that Karkat, I don’t… I don’t like not being your friend, I don’t like not being your best friend. Because no-one compares to you either. You’re determined and stubborn and stupidly soft, you care too much about everyone and you over-think everything. You’re cute, yet you’re strong too and you really are the leader that you strived to be,” Terezi smiled, unsure of the last time she’d said such things to Karkat. “But when I hurt you it was like… you were suddenly none of those things, at least not as far as I could see, because I was on the outside and I don’t like being on the outside of Karkat. I don’t want to mess things up and not be with you anymore. I love you Karkat, but I—what if we’re not supposed to be together?”

And the thought of that did scare Terezi, because it wasn’t as if they were young and could afford to mess things up. Surely next time would be make or break—and they were getting older: it couldn’t just be the same wreck of a relationship that it had before. They’d have to do things right, and what if they couldn’t? Even if she was trying not to cry, the inevitable decision left her doing so anyway, cornered by the honesty and fear of going back to how things had been the past few months. "I don’t know what to do. I’m miserable without you and I’m scared that if things don’t work out then maybe we’ll just make each other miserable when we’re together too… and then I’ll end up on the outside again."

"Terezi, Terezi, hey," Karkat moved as soon as he saw her tears fall, reaching to wipe them away—as he should have done, every other time he’d made her cry in the past couple of months, but at least this time he could finally do something about it. "Don’t—don’t cry," he murmured, unsure how exactly to help her. "Listen, you’ll never have to be on the outside again, okay?" Pausing, he scooted closer to her, touching his forehead to hers in an effort to comfort her before he moved back a bit. "Things won’t be how they were the first time; I’m not gonna fuck up again, and if I start to, then tell me, and I’ll fix it. We’re not stupid little kids anymore, right? We can… we can be mature and we can talk about things now…"

Karkat sighed, trying to gather his thoughts and give Terezi and semi-decent response—he owed her one, especially after the praise she’d given him. Such bullshit, really; you’d have to be in love with Karkat to think that about him, he supposed. “Do you really want to just… not try? If… If we’ve loved each other all this time, don’t you think we’re both always going to want to be more than friends? As often as I said I was over you, I still… noticed when you would flirt with other people, and I didn’t like it, I just kind of… learned to ignore that I didn’t like it. Maybe stuff with me didn’t bother you after Jade but… look, I just… I feel like we’re supposed to end up together. I think that if we have problems, we’ll be able to work through them. If we were supposed to move on, we would have by now, right? And I don’t think we should let… the fear of messing up stop us, because we could be happy, together, you know? I’m tired of letting fear stop me, and I’ve never known you to be afraid, Terezi,” he smiled, touching his forehead to hers again. “I think we can do it. Do you want to try?” Karkat pulled back again, sliding his thumb under her eyes to catch any more tears while he waited for her answer.

July/21/13
16 notes

py-rope:

Terezi tried to ignore the way her pulse jumped as Karkat’s thumb briefly traced across her skin, passing it off as an accident. It wouldn’t be a great idea to get wrapped up in him again—they were just best friends, and even then it wasn’t just ‘just’, because that was more than she could have asked for. Her head tilted with curiosity as Karkat started speaking, unsure where exactly he was going with it. Second best? Was he talking about… no, surely he was just talking about in general. But then he started his analogy and Terezi’s mouth went dry, unsure what to make of the twisting feeling in her stomach.

"No, stop," she suddenly shook her head, turning to face Karkat with confusion. Terezi had thought she understood what was happening, but suddenly she had no idea—briefly staring at him with a mixture of concern and disgust. "What are you?" She trailed off, frowning as she finally caught up with the general gist of where things were going. In all honesty, she’d kind of hoped that Karkat could have ignored that—could have moved on so she wouldn’t have to be humiliated a second time round. 

It wasn’t just a case of him bringing up her feelings, it was the implications his analogy was causing. Was he doing it to prove a point? Had she somehow mistaken their truce when Karkat was still bitter over it? “What the fuck are you doing?” She hissed, taking back her hand and defensively trying to move back. “Is this a joke to you? You have a matesprit! I told you I didn’t—I don’t want to get in the way.” Terezi could feel herself tearing up from frustration, but this time she didn’t shy away into herself. She just tried to stare through him, suddenly feeling like an idiot.

Karkat tensed as she snapped at him—he’d expected hesitance and maybe rejection but not anger. Well, not that much anger at least, and he recoiled as she pulled her hand away from his, fists clenching tight with fear. Had he just totally fucked things up again? Was the friendship he just managed to reclaim after months going to be lost again? He should have just kept his mouth shut, he shouldn’t have said anything. He always expected everything to turn out like an episode of Friends or something—like they were the Ross and Rachel of their stupid romantic story and no matter how many times they fucked up in between, they’d be together in the end. Why couldn’t he ever be satisfied with just being her best friend? 

And then he really heard what she said, what she was saying, and how teal was pooling in her eyes, and he couldn’t believe how poorly he’d explained himself a second ago. “No no no no wait fuck, I—I was trying so hard to figure out what I wanted to say that I totally forgot to even—shit, okay, look, when you and I were fighting and I didn’t have Eridan to talk to so… I talked to Meenah, about everything. And she—along with everything else that had happened—made me come to terms with the one thing I’d been in the most incredible denial ever about, which was, that I still had feelings for you… although to be fair, I kind of had to be in denial about it for like, self preservation’s sake. But anyway, Meenah and I aren’t… and we never really were either, we just liked each other and… I mean I never really wanted to label us as matesprits, remember? It was just the easiest thing to call us… I care about her and all but,” he shrugged, sighing and looking down at his fists, at where they’d been holding hands a moment ago. “No one compares to you, Terezi, and I don’t think anyone ever will.”

He glanced back towards Terezi again, giving her a weak, sheepish smile before it fell, and he was looking at his hands again. “If you don’t want to, that’s okay. Like you said, just because you love someone doesn’t mean you’re supposed to be with them, right? I just… I thought if I had a chance, I shouldn’t let it slip away. Again. That’s all.”

July/21/13
16 notes

py-rope:

Her attention snapped right back to their hands as Karkat pulled away, almost going to stop him but restraining herself—she couldn’t be the one that held on to him, because it wasn’t her place to push anything. Even if she tried to shrug off his movement, it was impossible to ignore the relief that he was still touching her, and it was even more impossible to ignore the warmth that spread through her chest as their fingers entwined. If there was a moment she would have liked to have kept forever, it was right now—finally best friends again, and almost sealing it as a promise. 

But then Karkat spoke again, and Terezi wasn’t exactly sure if she wanted to acknowledge that he had. Things would have been a lot easier if they could just sit in mutual silence all evening, platonically holding hands. She didn’t know what else he might want to say, and she was still paranoid that they’d somehow turn it into an argument. Suspiciously, she pulled her face away from her knees—throwing Karkat a brief sideways glance. He didn’t look angry, so maybe it would be okay?

"I guess," she shrugged, not exactly confident in Karkat saying whatever it is he wanted to say, but her vision stayed firmly on their hands—and that was enough not to shy away and say no. 

Trying to understand someone who was speaking primarily in body language was getting difficult, and Karkat found himself anxiously analyzing every slight move she made. But she did look at him for a moment, a slight rush of relief spreading through him as he got a look at her face, even just for a second. That was progress from being curled up in her knees, even if she wasn’t looking at him still. His eyes followed hers down to their hands, his thumb sliding along her skin for a moment before he stilled it again.

"That’s not really reassuring," he complained, brows furrowing as he kept his eyes on their locked hands. "But, okay, I guess I’ll just… talk, and if you want to tell me to stop just say so, okay? So…" he took a deep breath, nervously trying to find somewhere to begin. "I… jesus okay, we both know I acted like an asshole before, and that I wish I hadn’t… and I guess I was angry partly because I felt like I was always gonna be second best with you, and I didn’t want to be second best." He faltered slightly, using it as a chance to test her, to see if she would ask him to stop—but she didn’t speak up, and so he swallowed again, trying to proceed. 

"But—um… there’s this episode of another stupid human tv show I watch, and… there’s these two characters, they used to be together but now they’re just friends, aside from the guy is a huge asshole about it, basically all the time… And then she tells him that she still loves him, and he complains that he doesn’t want to be her second place, and then she leaves… and then about five minutes later he realizes he’s a fucking idiot, and he goes to tell her he’s a fucking idiot but," he paused again, giving her hand a light, nervous squeeze. "She’s gone.” 

July/20/13
16 notes

py-rope:

Terezi tensed again as he mentioned the drawings, not particularly wanting to think about that. She almost could have taken everything Karkat had said to her, but the wall had been the clincher. Even now it still hurt to think about it, and she let her head drop back onto her knees as he spoke. It hurt that he’d tried to erase it in the first place, especially with so much time and effort they’d put into it—but what hurt most, was the fact she was the one who had pushed him into the corner, and it was her fault that he’d felt that way. She really had fucked up, and the longer Karkat spoke, the harder it was to swallow down how she felt. Despite how she felt, there was still hope in what he said, and she was relieved to know that she was still as much of a part of his life as he was of hers.

Even through her emotions, she still noted that his usage was ‘should’, not ‘could’. It was strange to hear Karkat being so definite, but it wasn’t unwanted. It was even the final push for her to nod in agreement, trying not to keep her voice even enough to speak. “Yeah,” she tested, still quiet but not cracking as much as she thought it might. “I’d have to go buy more chalk though,” she trailed off, wondering if she’d even be able to fix it without getting upset again. She frowned into her knees, lightly rubbing her nose into them for some kind of comfort.

She still couldn’t look at Karkat, but she could glance at the bench. His hands were curled up against the seat, and it made her eyebrows furrow a little further. Her contribution wasn’t exactly on par with his, but she wasn’t sure what to say, or even that she had anything to say. It frustrated her, and her fingers curled into her palms, claws catching the skin until it formed crescent marks. The quick flash of pain caused her to uncurl them again, but she didn’t let them drop back into her lap. Instead, she slowly reached out, almost faltering but managing to place her hand over his. “Best friends,” she confirmed again, briefly smiling into her knees. 

Karkat smiled again, a little wider this time, when Terezi agreed to help him fix the drawing—it seemed like a good start to fixing their relationship. He still regretted ever trying to destroy the wall but… maybe the second time around, they could make it even better. Plus, he still had more blank gray wall in the living room that they hadn’t managed to completely cover, and what was even the point of spending time in a room who’s walls weren’t coated in chalk adventures, anyway?

Her hand on his was warm, and Karkat’s smile fell, replaced with a look of uncertainly. He wasn’t sure how far to take things, and he wished there was some way to test the waters without jumping in all the way. Terezi was only managing sentences at a time, and she still hadn’t looked at him. He knew that was his fault for being so callus with her feelings before, hands clenching into angry fists as his stomach turned with guilt. Maybe it was better to just leave things here—maybe he could tell her the rest later or something.

But then, he was tired of waiting for the exact right moment with Terezi, and then messing up and losing her in the process. She’d been more honest with him the last time they spoke than she ever had before, and maybe than he ever had too, and maybe he owed it to her to be honest back at her. Maybe he could… sort of test the waters. Swallowing nervously, Karkat pulled his hand away from Terezi’s for a moment, shifting and turning it over so he could entwine their fingers. He stared at their hands for a moment, trying to gather the nerve to continue. “Can I tell you something else?”

July/20/13
16 notes

py-rope:

Even if it was a small courtesy to mention she could leave, it took a weight off of her shoulders, not feeling trapped or as restricted to her body as she previously had done. It wasn’t as if Karkat was particularly intimidating or threatening, but Terezi wasn’t even sure how she’d approach leaving without worrying that he’d touch her or tell her not to. Even then, she wasn’t sure how she was supposed to leave, because Karkat was apologizing again and the dull ache was only getting less and less dull until she was pretty sure it was an actual pain, which pretty much summed up everything to do with Karkat recently. 

Even if she was still licking her wounds from their previous conversation, it wasn’t as if Terezi wanted things to be as they were. And it was a little easier to listen to him when he admitted that some of it was true, and it was even harder to breathe when he said she was his best friend, because this was Karkat—and if she was to pride herself on knowing Karkat best, then surely she had to admit defeat from her own defensive strategies. Wasn’t it insulting to keep brushing off Karkat’s apologizes with her own warped logic? Because yes, she was hurt and wounded—but Karkat had been too, and if Karkat hadn’t listened to her, then they’d still be stuck not talking to each other. Hurting each other was just ending up with them going round in circles, hating the other one minute and then being the one apologizing the next. She was tired of it, and it sounded like Karkat was too. 

If Karkat had forgiven her then maybe Terezi could try the same. She didn’t have to go out on a limb—because she certainly wasn’t opening herself up first, but if Karkat took the first steps then… hadn’t Terezi said they were always hers to follow? "You’re my best friend too," she quietly offered, uncurling a little from herself in an attempt to display more sincerity. Maybe it was hard to get that point across when she was still looking away from him, but that seemed too intense—too much of a commitment that she was still scared was going to fall through. 

Karkat warmed at Terezi’s brief contribution to the conversation, grateful to hear he hadn’t fucked things up beyond repair at the very least, and he wanted to reach out and hold on to her, but she was like a frightened rabbit, and he was worried if he got to close or moved to fast she would run off. He had to be very careful to move slowly with her; he’d lost her too many times for one lifetime, that was for damn sure, and he wasn’t about to lose her again.

"Good," he muttered, curling his fingers into fists so he didn’t reach for her hand. "So… about the drawings," he sighed, glancing to her nervously in case she curled back up again. "I did that after what happened with Gamzee… It was another stupid, heat-of-the-moment decision, and obviously I regretted it as soon as I’d done it. I just felt like… trapped in my own hive by the problems I was trying to run away from, and it just seemed like the best thing to do was to take it down. And then I tried to, and I could barely get rid of any of it. I just… happened to start in a shitty place. And I know how bad it looks that I tried to get rid of it in the first place but, there’s a reason I couldn’t go through with it. And I don’t mean like, I was too tired or lazy to finish cleaning it off, I basically… physically couldn’t do it. I thought, at the time, I wanted to end our friendship but it was like, the second I did I realized it was a fucking idiotic move, and then I guess it was half anger, half stubbornness, and half… fear of getting hurt again that kept me from doing anything about it when I realized I fucked up. Two thirds, I mean. I only figured I’d say two things but I kind of—nevermind. The point is, I can’t just take some warm water and a… sponge with the scratchy bit, was that what you said? And just wash everything we have away… My walls are probably fucking stained from leaving the chalk up so long, anyway."

He sighed loudly, annoyed with how his story had accidentally digressed, and he kept thinking he had to say “so the point is” but he kept losing track of that, too. “What I mean is,” Karkat looked at her again, trying to gather what he actually did mean into a legitimate statement that would hopefully improve the current situation, “You’re not the type of person I can just forget about, Terezi, and it was… stupid of me to ever think I could. So, we should be best friends again, and we can put… all this mess behind us, and maybe you can help me fix the wall or something, if… if all of that’s… okay with you. Is it?”

July/20/13
16 notes

py-rope:

Terezi all but flinched at her name, trying to ignore the emotion at finally hearing Karkat’s voice again. She instead rolled the movement into a harsh shrug, as if to answer his second statement. It was weird to hear him again, apologizing as if he was the one at fault. That left her the most paranoid, unsure why he was offering what she presumed was some kind of comfort. She still had no idea what his intentions where, or what exactly he wanted to talk about—but the conversation was already making her shift uncomfortably, more prepared to sit and listen than actively engage. 

She instinctively slunk further into her hoodie as he asked if she knew that he didn’t mean it, unsure if it was a trick question. She thought about it then, truly examined everything he said. There was nothing that didn’t make sense, nothing that was random or conceivably labelled as heat of the moment. That itself left her feeling even more hollow, as if his words had no substance, because he had meant it. He’d had the chance to say whatever he wanted without being filtered, and it was all the truth, and Terezi knew that. He didn’t have to lie to her now, and the fact he was insulted her.

"Okay," she replied, concentrating harder on her shoes. It wasn’t as if things were okay, but it was the polite thing to say—and if Karkat wasn’t being honest then why did she have to be honest? At least agreeing would get Karkat to talk faster, and then it would be over and Terezi could relax again without feeling like she was a wound-up spring, waiting for some shift in momentum before she could move again. She instead put the energy into playing with her laces, twirling them around her fingers in an effort to stay as silently wound-up as possible.

A one-word response from Terezi told Karkat all he needed to know about her stance here, not to mention he could plainly see her shrink away from him, even if she tried to cover it up with other gestures. He sighed, raking a hand through his hair as he tried to figure out how to go about things properly, in a way she would believe what he was saying, and not just shrug and say okay.

"Okay," he shrugged, eyes drifting to the ground he could see slitted between the wood of the park bench. "You don’t look like you want to be here. If you want to go, you can, you know that, right?" His fingers clenched nervously onto the wooden spokes—"But… you came here for a reason, right? Obviously you thought something could come from this?"

Rather than waiting for an answer, Karkat continued, still unsure of exactly where he was going with the discussion. “Whether you believe me or not, I am sorry. I guess… I guess I did mean some of what I said, but mostly the stuff about me, about how it hurt me and… that kind of thing? And I was mad then, and for some reason I totally forgot that people aside from me feel things too. But after you left, I finally had some time to try and see things from your perspective, and I don’t know what I would have done in your shoes, Terezi. So, if I can’t even come up with a solution in a hypothetical, what grounds do I have to judge you when you actually had to go through it? And you were right, it was unfair of me to just make things out to be simple and black and white. Just because things have always been so… black and white when it came to you for me, doesn’t mean it’s the same for you. I keep forgetting that and it just keeps fucking our friendship up, and you can believe me or you can shrug and say ‘okay’ but I really am sorry about that. I mean… you’re my best friend, you know? And I’m sorry that it’s turned into this.” He stopped himself there, trying to keep from getting too into his argument without confirmation from Terezi. There was little point continuing if she was unwilling to believe that he regretting what had gone on between them—he had to at least get that through to her before he could even consider laying on anything else.

July/20/13
16 notes

py-rope:

Terezi slunk away from her laptop without waiting for anything else Karkat had to say, burying herself back into a pile of scalemates. Things were confusing, and the conversation left her with the same anxiousness she’d felt on the meteor. She’d considered returning back to the faygo, but thought better of it. If she was seriously going to meet up with him, then it would be easier if there were less things Karkat could point out. Sleep had been wishful thinking, too busy thinking to bother with it. Night slowly merged into day and she spent the morning deliberating, moving slowly without much purpose. There were so many reasons why it was better to stay at home, but she still ended up dragging out a hoodie and leaving.

She didn’t hurry along on her way, mostly kicking at the ground and dithering some more. Terezi tried to reason it all out, ignoring the reasons for why she actually wanted to show up. At least parks were public—open. Karkat couldn’t scream at her again if there was a chance that people would come past, and if he did then she could just leave. Of course Terezi knew the terrible things she’d done, she’d known ever since she’d stabbed Vriska, all those sweeps ago now. She knew it, and she reminded herself of it, but Karkat reminding her for a third time was something she didn’t want to go through again, and with enough convincing she’d come to solidify some kind of resolve about not having to do so either. 

Steeling herself for whatever was coming, Terezi slid onto the bench next to him, as far away as possible and trying to take up as little room as possible too. The room she did take up had reduced slightly from previous months, changing with her attire too. Even things as basic as her shoes had been switched, and her attention was drawn to picking at the lose threads—anywhere but Karkat’s direction. She simply sat in silence, not wanting to be there and overly paranoid of why she was there. 

Karkat had arrived to the park early in the morning, still unsure when Terezi was planning to attend with only the basis of “tomorrow” to go off of, but like hell he was gonna miss her and fuck things up worse. Of course, sitting in the park all day was rather tiring, and as such, he’d brought things to entertain himself with until she arrived. He’d tried video games, only managing to play any of them in about 30 minute increments before he got too stressed about meeting with Terezi and turned them off to just sit and wait for another 15. He’d brought a few books, but they were even worse at holding his attention, and he had no idea why he thought trying to read Sherlock Holmes was a good idea. He’d brought a lunch and a dinner with him, convinced that if he left to get food, she would turn up and he would miss her and he wouldn’t be able to convince her to meet up with him again.

By the time she did turn up, he had started to lose hope that she would, resting his head against the back of the bench with his eyes closed for a brief rest, but when the bench creaked beside him he jolted up in surprise and fear that he’d fallen asleep for longer than he’d meant to and missed her. But the person who’d slid onto the bench beside him was Terezi, even if she didn’t look how she used to. It was strange to think she could have changed so much—when was the last time he’d properly seen her anyway, and without a hood obscuring half her face? Where had all her red clothes gone? It was a bit like he was looking at a different girl, and he supposed in some ways, she was different. It’d been so long since they were on friendly terms…

"Terezi," he started, trailing off at their positioning on this dumb bench. He couldn’t get a good enough look at her this way, so he turned to face her, back resting against the armrest of the bench despite how terribly uncomfortable it was. "I was afraid you weren’t gonna show up," he murmured, offering a small smile, before it fell, and he was trying to think of what to say. "First of all, I’m… I’m sorry about, about everything I said. I didn’t mean it, I was just caught up in all my anger and… pathetic jealousy? I shouldn’t have said what I did, you know I don’t really feel that way, right?" He frowned, trailing off. "I guess… after everything that’s happened, you probably wouldn’t know that… I’m… ugh, it’s gotten to be such a mess. Basically, to start this whole fun discussion off, I’m sorry about, about everything that’s happened."

July/20/13
10 notes

py-rope:

"What do you mean I picked Dave? I was already with Dave! I loved you but that didn’t mean I didn’t love him too? What was I supposed to do?" Terezi shouted back, slightly incredulous of how simple Karkat was making it sound. “You make it sound so fucking easy, like I just woke up and decided on this whole grand scheme of how to keep you both under wraps—apart from I didn’t do that at all. I try to be ruthless when my life depends on it, but not over the people who mean most to me. Fuck Karkat, I made a huge mistake with Gamzee but do you really think that’s what I’m like? That I’d see no problem with stringing you along for sweeps? That I even noticed I was doing it until I spoke to Eridan about everything?" 

"You were the one who put me second best to everything first. Hell, sometimes I think second best is an overestimate of how much I was worth," Terezi laughed once more, throat tightening as the prickling behind her eyes intensified. “Dave was the one who finally acknowledged me and didn’t act like I was a fucking hindrance, but I still managed to fuck that over by ending up with Gamzee: Yet he still gave me another chance and I couldn’t do it to him again. He didn’t deserve it after how much I’d messed him around—just as you messed me around." 

There was only so long Terezi could shout for before her voice gave out, and she was resigned to speaking quieter—voice cracking with her strength. “Just because you love someone doesn’t mean that you’re supposed to be with them. I didn’t say I was a good person Karkat; I got jealous and I tried to pretend I wasn’t. I tried to do the right things and they ended up being wrong. I messed up, but admitting it would have made everything worse, so I’m a coward who didn’t want to hurt anyone and ended up hurting everyone anyway..”

She trailed off once more, unsure if she was done talking and almost too scared to hear Karkat’s reply if she was. Her attention wavered to anywhere but Karkat, sweeping across his rooms until her attention was naturally caught by the most colourful thing in his hive. The memory of their drawing session was like a twisting knife, adding deeper slices to the already gaping wound. She went to move her head away from it, but snagged on the blur of colours. Terezi first assumed her vision had faltered, but it only took a look at the position of the smudge to realize what she was looking at. It felt like her attention was caught on it for an eternity, only pulled of the numbness it caused by something hot and wet falling on her. 

"If you wash it with warm water and one of those sponges with a scratchy bit then it will come off," she smiled, trying to distract both of them from the obvious. Her fists clenched at her sides, and it was finally enough: she had to go home. “I don’t know what else you want me to say," she shrugged, turning around and pulling her hood up. It wasn’t much, but at least it was something. With no true idea of what else was left to say, Terezi excused herself—walking around from Karkat, and maybe that whole chapter of her life.

Again with Terezi’s words, Karkat could feel his anger slipping away, no matter how hard he tried to cling to it; Terezi’s words made sense, and no amount of hurt and self-loathing could change that. He could still make the argument that she’d made the wrong decisions, but when Terezi literally said she knew she made the wrong decisions it made it a little harder to be upset about it. But he was still upset, he was still hurt, because he couldn’t see a route in his life—before now, at least—where he would choose anyone over her, and knowing that Terezi had still stung, and it wasn’t the type of feeling he could just reason away. No matter how shitty she felt about it, she’d hurt him, and she needed to know that.

Having gotten caught up in his thoughts during Terezi’s silence, he hadn’t expected to look back towards her and see her crying. He was baffled for a good minute—wash what with warm water? And then he turned to glance over his shoulder, heart sinking as he realized what she must have picked up on, and her calm instructions on how to destroy what was left of it. By the time he turned back, she was pulling her hood up and over her eyes, and he couldn’t think of anything to say fast enough to stop her. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to—but he did, he was pretty sure he did. But it didn’t matter now; she was walking away and he didn’t know where his voice was, and if he’d known where it was, he wouldn’t know what to say. So he just watched her go and closed the door.

There was still something fundamentally wrong with seeing Terezi and not trying to make her feel better—let alone being the reason she was crying, and after months of trying to distance himself for her, he still felt like he wasn’t himself for letting her go. All his plans of moving on and getting over her… stupid pipedreams, weren’t they? After all, he couldn’t even properly erase a drawing of the two of them on his fucking living room wall.

His stomach hurt, and the bright colors of the chalk on his walls was making him feel more sick. If he washed it with warm water and one of those sponges, how could she say that? He didn’t… he didn’t want to erase the wall. He didn’t want it to go away. He just didn’t want to deal with it right now. He wanted to talk to his moirail, he wanted to talk to Eridan—but Eridan wasn’t his moirail now, and his stand-in was fine but unfortunately was waist deep in some heavy Terezi bias.

The only person he could think to talk to was Meenah, which was a fucking fantastic idea—let’s fucking get your current matesprit to solve all your problems with your former matesprit who frankly, he shouldn’t even have problems with at this point. Why should he even care if Terezi had fucked up before? He was over her, it didn’t matter what mistakes either of them had made in the past. Or, it shouldn’t.

God, his life was such a fucking mess.